Is it okay…?

Is it okay that when my friends are going out on dates I envy them with every fibre of my being? It’s not that I want them to be as lonely and sad as me but I find it so hard to see all these people happily socialising and having relationships and feeling like I won’t ever have these things?
Is it okay that when my friends are joking and use a word like rape I immediately shut off and isolate myself knowing I cannot join in with their banter and that I will never be a normal teenager like them?
Is it okay that I desperately try and help others often just to prove to myself that I am not a bad person like I was conditioned to believe?
Is it okay that even though I know I shouldn’t I chose to self harm to feel physical pain over the psychological hell I am going through?
Is it okay that I can forgive almost anyone and have huge compassion and empathy… for anyone who isn’t me?
Is it okay that I often predict my own failure before even trying the task I am convinced I will fuck up?
Is it okay that often I am an incredibly fake person as I fear putting trust in other people?
Whose to say what is okay?
Is it okay that I break your “crazy person” stereotypes everyday by appearing as normal as the next girl on the street?
Is it okay that I’m learning to love and trust and perhaps even that I could be loved even though you said I never could?
Is it okay that I’m starting to shift the blame of the past events, all that horrendous guilt from me onto you?
Is it okay that while you taught me to fear I have taught myself to be brave taking on one phobia at a time?
Is it okay that I am disobeying every single one of your so called rules because i can be stubborn as hell too?
Is it okay that I am not going to let your actions from the past stop me from achieving anything I want?
Is it okay that despite everything, all your best efforts in fact that I AM ALIVE?!
Whose to say what is okay!!

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