When nothing matters anymore

Today I was feeling catatonic and suicidal. I knew I had messed up badly- during all of the revision and exams I have been doing I had completely forgotten to keep on top of my mind. I truly despise this feeling of, well, nothing. It’s terrifying that while I am normally so empathetic and emotional everything can just stop mattering in a second. Suddenly I realised I no longer care how well the rest of my alevels go, or if I get into uni or even if I live because the thought of living seems so… Tiring. So just two hours ago I did something different; I called a friend. Yep you read that right- I reached out and asked for some help. For me admitting to my dark thoughts it’s not that hard, it’s admitting to them in a SERIOUS way that I struggle with. But I did it! And you know what? I am loosing that horrendous numb depression that has been slowly engulfing me over the past month. My friend is incredible. The fact that I can talk to her first of all is a huge thing as I am naturally mistrusting of humans, but I cannot express how glad I am that she was there.
She reminded me that while I do not care about me anymore other people do, and as I care about those other people I must by default care about me. As long winded as that sounds it really hit home, I know that I cannot and will not let myself really consider any alternative for living, so today when I didn’t want to live for me I am living for my friends and family who mean so much to me. Hearing from my friend that I mean something to her immediately ceased my nothingness mood.
So if any of you out there find yourself having urges you no longer feel in control of please please reach out to someone close to you. Just hearing there voice of concern for your well being should give you something to hold onto- on the days where you cannot live for you, live for a loved one.
Also I have learnt my lesson, from now on no matter how busy I am with important things I will not overlook the MOST important thing: my mind. Cos for a happy, contented and fulfilled life I need to keep my mind in check preventing my mental conditions from becoming mental illnesses and taking hold again. Bam. Feeling powerful.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s